I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
