I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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