dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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