I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
