Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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