I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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