i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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