im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
COCAINE IS GR8
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
