She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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