Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
