i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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