I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
