Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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