I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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