I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
