I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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