he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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