I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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