i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
