Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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