I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
