my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
