Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
