tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
