Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
