Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
