I hate your face
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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