Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
