Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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