if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
