Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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