Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
