You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
