i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
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I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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