I accidentally had phone sex last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
