Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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