update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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