u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
