i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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