she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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