who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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