two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize