then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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