So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
