and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
