I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
