Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
