The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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