I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
