i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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