we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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