I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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