It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I faked an abortion last night.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
