im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
