I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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