I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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