I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
