mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
